Talk:Dig Me Out/@comment-9988564-20140211095023
I'm procrastinating on the pile of homework I've set up for myself (as usual) and I felt like writing, so I decided to explain my departure because I care about you guys and I feel like it's important to share with you all what's going on with me, considering how much this community has helped me through the past three years. Anyways, last night, I was talking to a close friend. Somehow, the subject of school got brought up, and I think my friend was talking about how much he hated it. I always knew how much he hated school and how it has always caused problems for him, but last night, I feel like I truly connected with what he was saying on an entirely different level. I understood just how much he hated school and how painful it was for him, and these thoughts started consuming me and my perception of my future. I started having really intense thoughts and images of failing, dropping out, suicide, school shootings, etc. Basically, just really scary stuff that’s never really provoked me before. I started feeling helpless, almost like these things were inevitable to my future. This was all extremely scary for me because school is pretty much my life. High school has sort of been a safe haven from my shitty home life and, these past couple years especially, I’ve really enjoyed my time spent with friends there. I’ve worked really hard throughout high school and the results have shown. My academic success has given me a lot of confidence and the successful future that I’m creating for myself is what motivates me to continue on with my life, so the thought that all of this is going to end, and that I’m going to become literally incapable of going to school started scaring the shit out of me. Although I’ve never even considered something extreme like this happening before, I have been feeling really down about myself lately. Ever since this semester started, I’ve been extremely lazy and I haven’t put effort into any of my work or projects so far. Getting behind in school has always been one of my fears, because it’s almost like a never-ending cycle once it happens, and I feel like it’s really hard to get yourself back on track. Unfortunately, by looking back on the past month, I can now confirm that this is true. I have an image of where I want to see myself, and it’s almost like my progress towards this image has been halted. I hate the feeling of being unproductive but that’s all I’ve been lately. I’ve been aware of this for several weeks now, but last night was really a wake-up call for me to turn things around. I spend a lot of time on this wiki and it's becoming obvious how much it's getting in the way of my goals for the future, as well as my other passions that I enjoy devoting time to. At the end of the day, I am an introvert and talking to people a lot is honestly exhausting for me. Having time to myself is something that I value more than anything and I can feel my recent inability to respond to my introspective nature having an adverse effect on me. I love you all and I’m sorry to leave so suddenly, but it’s really important that I work things out for myself or else this destructive path of unproductivity and depression may continue. I have a new motivation and that is to make sure that those images that haunted me last night never break into my reality.